Ok, I’ve not written in a while.

Partly because life has just been happening and partly because I haven’t really known what to say. It’s been one of those in-between periods where nothing is dramatically wrong, but things are always quietly changing.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, the book came out.

50 Days of River (Available on Amazon)

Which still feels slightly surreal to say out loud. There’s been a mix of pride, excitement, nervousness and just a general sense of this is a bit weird. I’ve signed a couple of copies and completely overthought it. What do you even write? Then I realised I don’t even really have a signature. In the end, I just wrote Sarah and hoped that was enough.

It’s out there now, which feels big, but also just another part of everything else that’s going on.

River: Looking Back and Looking Ahead

We had River’s parents’ evening with his nursery teacher, and it was one of those moments where you’re reminded how far things have come. She spoke about how much he’s progressed, how settled he is, and how much he loves his 1:1.

She did laugh and say that it’s very hard to say no to him, which I completely understand, but I also reassured her that they absolutely should. He’s very good at getting what he wants, and that’s not always helpful.

Then this morning we met his teacher for next year in the SRP (Specialist Resource Provision)

That felt very different. Less reflective and more about what’s coming next. She was warm, clear and realistic about what the transition will look like, something I will worry about. She talked through how his plan will be tailored to his needs and his special interests and asked me to let her know if Halloween was no longer his thing.

I said I’d keep her updated, although we’re nearing the two-year mark now so I’m not convinced it’s going anywhere.

We’re cautiously optimistic. It feels like the right balance. We’re very aware that it’s new, for them and for him, but also incredibly grateful that he has the opportunity to stay in his school while having the support he needs put in place around him.

Summer: A Different Kind of Knowing

Then we had Summer’s parents’ evening.

I went in expecting, and got the usual conversation. How she’s getting on, friendships, work. She’s doing well, even improved her handwriting, which we were both quite pleased about.

Then, towards the end, it was mentioned that she’s been added to the SEN register.

They talked me through the adaptations they’ve already put in place to help her manage day to day, which actually felt reassuring more than anything. It wasn’t a sudden decision, more something that had been building in the background.

I requested a formal letter explaining the traits the teacher had witnessed and a copy of the one that was written last year and will contact the GP to start her diagnosis process. It’ll be a couple of years with the current waiting lists.

The main feeling was not surprise.

We’ve known for quite a while. She’s known too. In the beginning it wasn’t really believed (I think that happens more with girls) but as she’s got older the traits have become clearer. The forgetfulness, walking into a room and not knowing why, clothes on backwards, no real sense of time, and an inability to sit still even when it’s something she really enjoys.

The school have been great. They’ve listened, and more importantly they’ve already started putting adaptations in place without needing a formal diagnosis, which is probably why I felt quite reassured hearing she was already on the register.

I don’t need the validation, but she might. So now it’s about getting her, her own piece of paper, in case she ever needs it.

The Lanyard Conversation

On the way home she asked if she would need one of River’s lanyards.

We ended up having a really good conversation about it. I asked her if she felt able to explain her challenges to people if she needed to, and she said she could. Then I asked if she thought River could do the same.

She smiled and said, “Absolutely not.”

It helped her understand why he needs it and why things look different for him. And hopefully, in a small way, it helped explain why he sometimes takes up more of my time.

And possibly why there’s a book written about him…

Although, she’s already pitched the sequel: 50 Days of Summer: Here Comes the ADHD, which I have to admit, is quite strong.

Letting Go (A Bit)

And then there’s me.

Something has shifted there too.

I’ve started going out more. Not in a big, dramatic way, just small things; the cinema, the theatre. Saying out loud that I need a break and actually taking one.

Kike and I had a moment where I realised we were starting to drift. He was out in the evenings at jiu-jitsu or on his laptop working, and I was working and then doing everything for the kids. I was becoming sad and quietly resentful, and then withdrawing further, craving time alone, which only made the distance between us worse.

It got to a point where I did eventually say something. Not in an argument, but through a quiet, tearful chat.

I told him I felt like I was holding everything together all the time, and that it was exhausting living in our house feeling like if I didn’t keep everything up, it would all collapse. That we weren’t really sharing the responsibility, and because we don’t have family nearby to step in, it has to be the two of us.

He listened, and then he said something I hadn’t really stopped to think about.

That I make a lot of concessions for Summer and River, but I overlook his ADHD and how he struggles with that.

And he’s right.

I spend so much time planning everything to avoid meltdowns and make life run smoothly that I find it really difficult when things are done differently. I step in, I take over, and without meaning to, I leave very little space for him to do things his way.

He said he’d lost confidence in looking after River.

That wasn’t what I ever wanted.

So we agreed that I would step back and not over-manage what he does with the children, and that I would take more time for myself when I need or want it.

So far, it’s been a big improvement. I feel more supported, I’ve had some time to myself, and he’s building his relationship with them in his own way.

We even made it out to a London Eurovision party, just us. Very chaotic, very silly, but as always amazing fun.

Where We Are Now

River has a plan.
Summer might be starting one.
And I’m learning to step back a little.

Not because things are suddenly easy.

But they’re feeling more shared now.

The book

A massive thank you to everyone who has already bought the book, it genuinely means a lot to me.

I know that if you’ve been reading the blog, you’ll have read most of it already, but I really hope it reaches people who might need it, or at the very least brings some comfort in knowing they’re not going through things alone.

And if you have bought it (and read it), reviews are very welcome. Apparently Amazon buries books without them, so consider this my polite request to help me beat the algorithm.