Day 48: The Never-Ending List

Morning Chaos

Another wet start. I’m going to do some research into buying pads to go on the bed. There’s so much stuff these days I’m sure I can find something. Also, something I’ve been putting off, his bedtime bottle. It’s something that has always soothed him and I’ve been so reluctant to take it off him but I have to limit his liquid just before bed.

After a quick clean, change of clothes, bedding in the wash, it was time for breakfast and morning shows. I felt a bit tired after the energetic start but it was OK this morning, I didn’t have classes first thing, so I could take Summer to school. That was a treat. I don’t usually get to do it and it was nice to be able to chat and make jokes so she was in the best place to start her first full week. She’s still a bit reluctant but I’m hopeful she’ll start to enjoy it.

After that I headed to school, still lots to sort out and I can support the teachers in getting the children settled.

Dinner (Sort Of)

I arrived home around 4.45pm. I asked Kike how his day had gone with River?
“Long,” was the reply.

They did manage to make it out the house twice though, which was a surprise, well one of them was, he had to go and collect Summer. I’m sure there was plenty of iPad but dinner was made and both kids were sitting at the table about to begin.

I’m sure at one point in my life I ate dinner at 7, 7.30pm, sometimes maybe even later? But now we find it easier to eat earlier. We don’t always eat together, but if we can we will. It’s not a picture-perfect family dinner table.

Tonight’s scene: Kike on his laptop, River glued to his iPad, Summer sulking without hers (confiscated for refusing pasta sauce) and me juggling after-school admin on my phone. Unsurprisingly, not much food was being consumed. I took away River’s iPad, redirected my attention to Summer and she told me how she’d spoken to her teacher about her worries and felt better. Win! Meanwhile, River bolted outside. Fail.

I supported Kike’s parenting and made Summer eat the sauce, she is becoming a little too fussy. And River later ate his – he always does, even if it did involve sitting on me.

The Invisible Load

Kike went to jiu-jitsu (happy to be out of the house, I’m sure) and I returned to my task. I booked River’s after-school sessions for the year and reminded myself that Summer’s mindfulness sessions start tomorrow so she’ll need a snack.

After Summer finally finished her pasta, I discovered she’d managed to get quite a large amount on her school trousers, which, for some reason, we only have one pair of. I swear she had two. She also couldn’t find her cardigan this morning. Again, when were we down to one?

And this is the invisible load that sits permanently on my shoulders. I have found and bought all of Summer’s and River’s uniforms, shoes, bags, coats, in fact nearly every item of clothing they’ve ever owned. I keep the mental stockroom of what fits, what’s too itchy, what’s suddenly not cool anymore. I don’t over-buy because it feels wasteful but I usually keep spares.

I know what happened: I bought the school summer dresses in preparation, then Summer said she didn’t like wearing dresses anymore. I said, “Well, let’s wait till September, you might have grown taller by then.”

Well September is here and I did not buy extra trousers. Add it to the list. Who knows where the cardigan is. Add it to the list (first to look in the lost property box.) We’re trying to get River to be more independent whilst going to the toilet but I think his pants are too small. Add it to the list. Don’t forget the new bedding… add it to the list. The never-ending list that lives in my head.

School swimming lessons for Summer start on Friday. Her old swimming costume didn’t fit and she can’t wear her holiday bikini to lessons. I quickly got Kike to buy a new one at the pool on Sunday. Now all we’ve got to do is remember to pack it, plus: hat, goggles, towel, pants on Friday morning when I must remember to also send her in her P.E Kit. And don’t get me started on the WhatsApp messages asking for volunteers to take them. I’M AT WORK!

This is the invisible load: the unseen, unshared work of remembering, preparing, holding everyone else’s needs in your head. It’s not one big thing, it’s a thousand tiny ones and the weight is real even when nobody else notices you’re carrying it.

Evening Routines

Whilst I’m blotting out the pasta stains and trying to get them outside before the last of the sunshine leaves the garden (there is no heat left so I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve), there’s a knock at the door. River runs to answer it, another thing we’ll have to talk through!

It’s the shopping. Great timing. When the man you marry enjoys lifting heavy things but is out when there’s heavy boxes filled with food to be carried into the house. Carry them in, unpack. Back to the lounge.

It’s time for River’s bedtime routine: change, CBeebies, teeth, story. He’s devastated about the removal of the bottle but I lie with him for a bit and eventually he stops crying and sighs OK. I go back, make sure Summer isn’t watching YouTube and give her the countdown to her bedtime and a small lecture about her learning her Times Tables. Then, it’s into the kitchen to put away the dinner things and make tomorrow’s lunches. Finally, I sit to write this.

Can You Really Have It All?

Being back at work is great. It really is. But none of the other stuff goes away. It just gets delayed until later. You still have to feed everyone, clothe everyone, check in with everyone, plan for tomorrow – just in less time.

So can you really have it all? I’m not sure. Some days you can just about have most of it, if you don’t mind running on low battery which as we know is something I can’t afford to have too low.

Tonight, I’ll be in bed early. The day has caught up with me and I’m aware I haven’t done much for myself. I’m too tired to read but I think I could just about manage to fall asleep to a podcast (Achievable Goals).