Being Honest About What We Need

Just a quick one tonight but I wanted to write about something.

I still haven’t found anyone to replace our babysitter and there is literally no one else to ask. Which means, for now, it’s just the four of us. No evenings out, no date nights, no popping out to see friends. I keep wondering what other people’s routines look like; when they see friends, when they get time for themselves, when they get time as a couple.

I know, I know: ‘comparison is the thief of joy‘ so I’m not actually going to ask anyone.
But I do wonder.

Our Term-Time Routine

Mornings:
Kike and I take turns to get River up around 6–6:30am, toilet, first breakfast, iPad, then back to bed for a short scroll.
I leave for work at 7:30.
Kike gets them both dressed, fed, out the door for 8:50am, then begins his hour-long commute to the gym.

Afternoons:
If I don’t have meetings, I finish around 4pm, walk up to collect them from after-school clubs (usually in two different places)and we’re home by around 4:45pm.
They demand dinner by 5pm. Kike has started coming home early to cook because getting food on the table in fifteen minutes was breaking me.

Dinner and iPads until 6pm.
I clean the kitchen and put on washing.
Kike leaves for jiujitsu.
I do bedtime from 6pm.

Evenings:
Kike gets home around 8:30pm, I’m usually just putting Summer to bed, putting out the clothes for the morning and putting lunches in the fridge and by that point I’m wiped.
Sometimes I manage a programme with Kike but usually I just go to sleep.

Tuesdays: Kike and Summer go to Jiujitsu
Thursdays: I take Summer to Gymnastics

Fridays: we go to our pub.
Ironically, the thing we do to break routine has become… routine.
Same table, same order, same BBC iPlayer show when we get home (currently Race Across the World or Drag Race, “the fancy ladies,” as Summer called it when she was small… and now River does a mean lip-sync dance).

Last Friday, we were in our usual spot, iPads plugged into cables that connect to nothing, River’s pizza cooling on a separate plate because he will reject anything warmer than ‘ice cold.’

After about fifteen minutes, Kike turned to me and quietly said:

“I miss you.”

Miss me?
I’m right here.
I’m always here.

We sat quietly for a bit. Let it settle.
I realised, I miss him too.

Life turns so quickly into an endless task list that you can spend every day with someone without actually spending any time with them.

We talked about how we wouldn’t survive all this if our relationship had cracks. We’re lucky, we communicate.
Nothing magically changes day-to-day but at least we don’t feel as alone.

The Message That Broke Me a Bit

We’ve been trying to meet up with close friends for a while now but without a babysitter, it’s almost impossible.

She messaged saying they had a last-minute lunch spot near us after dropping their child at a party. Could we join? I said the four of us could come and my two could sit with their headphones.

She replied:

“Don’t hate me, but I could really do with some adult time. I’m sure you can relate. Let’s sort something in the New Year.”

I typed: That’s fine, yes in the New Year.
Then deleted it.

Because I’m tired. Stupidly tired.
And lonely.
And I cried a little.

I wrote instead:

“I completely understand the need for adult time and I genuinely hope you have a lovely lunch.
But for the sake of our friendship, I need to be honest.
Kike and I have had three evenings alone this year. I never have anyone to look after the kids.
I’m tired and lonely and struggling to relate to anyone at the moment.”

I went to sleep sad and worried I’d lost a friend.

Today she replied:

“I’m so pleased you told me how you’re feeling.
That’s the sign of a real friendship.
We should talk about it more.”

We’ve booked a night out next week, just the two of us and it made me happy. It doesn’t magically give Kike and I more time but being honest about what we can and cannot do feels like the first step toward things being… manageable.

What I’m Really Trying to Say

Life is hard enough without pretending.
Without people-pleasing.
Without trying to keep up with everyone else’s pace.

Be honest with your partner, your friends, yourself.
Say when you’re struggling.
Say when you need something.
Say when you can’t do something.

It’s scary, for most of us, anyway. (Not for Kike, he was born emotionally unfiltered.)
But honesty gives other people permission to be honest too.

And sometimes, that alone lifts the weight a tiny bit.

Tonight’s Ending

I collected a sleeping River today, which made for an interesting walk home. A friend spotted us and kindly carried our new mop for me. (I have been talking about what an exciting life I lead!) I think she could see River was being… River.

A 4pm nap means bedtime is basically cancelled.
Summer has been playing with him for over an hour using, of course, a giant cardboard box. Kids always want the box.

We’re in calm-down mode now: trampoline and family silence means it really is bedtime.

Maybe tonight I’ll manage to stay up past 9pm and sit with Kike.
Talk about something other than calendars, bills and food shopping.

Maybe.

Summer is in the box.