Day 32: “No New Bed” -Learning to Let Go

The Weekend Blur

During the holidays, the name of the days don’t really mean much do they?
River stayed up until 10pm again last night, predictable really, thanks to the badly timed nap cycle. This morning I got up with him, I was feeling a bit unwell last night (I promise no whisky this time) so I was in bed super early last night.

Summer and Jiu-Jitsu

Saturday mornings are jiu-jitsu mornings. Summer loves it and from what I hear she’s pretty good. Kike does it too, which makes me happy that they have their “thing.” But it also leaves me and River at home again.

Understanding the EHCP

Just before the school holidays we met with another therapist who is putting together River’s EHCP (Education, Health and Care Plan) for September.

For those that don’t know:

An EHCP is:

A legal document for children with SEND (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities).
It sets out River’s needs, the support he requires, and the outcomes we’re all working towards.
Unlike normal school support, it’s legally binding, so the local authority must provide what’s written in it.

At the end of the session the therapist asked us what we hoped River could achieve in the next two years. Normally, you can’t shut me up in these meetings. I’m full of examples and worries and explanations but I hadn’t really thought about that bigger question: Where do I hope he’ll be?

Kike spoke first:

“I want him to be able to follow a clear 1 to 2 part instruction.”

It was such a good answer. When I asked him later how he came up with it so quickly, he said:

“I just want him to be able to do sports, join me and Summer doing jiu-jitsu.”

And of course, that made perfect sense. Kike wants to include River and take him out more. It just can’t happen yet.

A Day of Ups and Downs

The rest of the morning was simple: clean up, unpack the shopping (yes, another online shop) and sit with River watching a new range of Halloween songs from The Singing Walrus. Youtube is the gift that keeps on giving.

Later, we headed to the pub to meet Grandad. It should have been easy, our usual Friday pub but River was out of sorts. He screamed for 15 minutes, “I WANT TO GO HOME!” I couldn’t take him home, though, we were meeting people for lunch. Eventually, pizza helped but he was still unsettled. He even didn’t want his iPad after this picture was taken. We played a few games of hide and seek (River sitting in the blanket box) and just some general running to make sure the lunch continued.

After lunch, Summer and I escaped for some “me and her” time. A K-Pop Demon Hunter sing-a-long at the cinema. Loud. Silly. Fun. Just what she needed.

The New Bed Dilemma

When we got home, I found Kike had put River’s new bed together, new bedding and all. I walked in just as River was protesting about his feet being washed. The moment he saw me, he burst into tears.

Kike assured me he’d had a good afternoon, that River had even asked for his new bed to be made. But now, with me there, it all crumbled. River sobbed, shouting “NO NEW BED!” as he passed out in it.

This was not how I had planned it. I’d imagined a whole gentle transition: saying goodbye to the old bed, introducing the new bed, carefully explaining the new rules. Instead, it felt rushed, chaotic and hard for both of us.

Learning to Let Go

And maybe this is where I need to let go a little.

I control so much of River’s world in order to avoid the meltdowns, to keep him calm. The rules I’ve built around him make sense to me, they’re what keep our days manageable but they can be overwhelming for anyone else stepping in to help.

Kike was only trying to be helpful and in truth he was. River does have his new bed now. But letting others help means sometimes things won’t go my way. Sometimes transitions won’t be perfectly managed. Sometimes River will cry and it won’t be because I failed it will just be because he’s four and change is hard.

That doesn’t make it easier. I feel anxious tonight, listening out in case he gets up. I hate that he went to bed upset. I wish I could protect him from that. But I also know I can’t always be the only one holding everything together.

Hoping for a Good Night

I want to be wrong. I want him to sleep through and wake up happy. I want Kike to smile smugly and say, “See, I knew he’d be OK.” Because if he does, it will give me the confidence to let go a little more. To trust others. To remember I don’t have to carry this all on my own.

And if it doesn’t go smoothly, if he’s up in the night, if the bed feels too new, if we’re all exhausted tomorrow, then I guess we’ll cope with that too. Because that’s what we do. We keep trying, we adjust and we keep moving forward together.

River has surprised us so many times before, often when I least expect it. Maybe tonight will be one of those times.