The Morning After

River slept through and woke at 6.30am. I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. My arms ached, I know I should actually lift weights like Kike. I honestly think I’m going to have to. River isn’t getting any smaller and I don’t see ‘keeping him safe’ being something that goes away.

But we’re home. That helps. I can take him into the lounge, give him his iPad and make breakfast. He goes through his routine but he’s dazed. Unsure. He doesn’t talk all morning, just screams, grunts and stims. He looks lost. Finally, he says: “Where’s the sun gone?” Relief. Words. He can make some sense of it. Yes, the sun has gone (we obviously missed the UK heatwave).

The morning became a tag-team. Kike and I were shattered, Summer was happy enough to sleep in and scroll on her iPad. River’s more attached to me than ever (which we understand) but it means most of his needs land on me. I was running on empty. I tried to lie in bed but he was right next to me. I got up and saw the suitcases. The thought of unpacking and starting the washing was unbearable.

Kike had tried, but we’d committed the cardinal sin: left wet washing in the machine for a week, then added new washing. It all came out stinking. And then it struck me: suitcases, dirty clothes = laundrette. Perfect. A reason to get everyone showered, dressed and out. Apart from a mildly infuriating detour to find cash (who even has it anymore?), we made it. We spent the afternoon with a friend in the pub opposite, had a couple of drinks, talked through the holiday and came home with a suitcase of clean clothes. Win.

Back at home, River straight in the bath and off to bed. Which means it’s time for reflections.

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Reflections

My dad asked me this morning: “Are you glad you went?”

Yes. I am. I needed the change of scenery. I needed to see if we could do it. And we did.

“Would you do it again?”
Yes, I think we would. Always depending on how things are. We know more now. I know more about what to pack, what to ask, how to figure out a resort, how to help him navigate it.

“Would you go back there again?”
Personally? No, not particularly. But this isn’t just about me. I have to reframe it, think about what works for our family. Going back to the same place, somewhere familiar, where River and Summer know the routine… that could work. Maybe then we could add one new thing – a boat trip, or more swimming if River gets lessons this year. Maybe even build up to a kids’ club, if a resort really does stand by its SEND-friendly claim. Also, Kike speaking Spanish does help and I could step up a bit more and use my Spanish and set a better example to Summer.

This resort has only been SEND-friendly since July. Maybe it’s just the beginning. I’ll be sending feedback, plenty of positives but also ways they could stretch further.

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The Bigger Picture

We did it. We went on holiday.

That still feels almost unbelievable to write. Looking back, it wasn’t the big moments that mattered, but the tiny ones. River enjoying the water park. Summer disappearing off with her new best friend. Thirty minutes together in the pool. Meeting other parents that were going through the same thing.

I cried into nachos on Mexican night and said the words I didn’t want to say but through that I learnt that it’s OK to say those words, there are people that are there to listen and to help when you feel that you’re drowning.

The plan kept us going: eat, swim, repeat. But sometimes, throwing the plan away was what made it possible. Sensory room instead of water park. Snacks in the room instead of the buffet. Letting go, even when it felt like failure, was what actually worked.

There were moments I couldn’t breathe. When people stared. When River screamed. When I felt like I was carrying everyone’s happiness on my shoulders. But there were also balcony chats with people who understood. Evening entertainment which had me singing very loudly. Parents in the sensory room who just nodded and got it. Summer’s almost-swimming. River’s whispered apology to his sister.

This wasn’t a picture-perfect holiday. It never was going to be. But it as always was full of love, resilience, and those tiny wins that matter more than anything.

I received a message from my balcony friend when we landed:

I think you should be super proud of what you achieved this week and hope the good times become great family memories.

We did it. We went on holiday. And that is something to be proud of.